Yes Steph, old people do have sex



A dear friend’s father died recently and the onus of sorting through his personal effects has fallen to her.  She happened upon a cache of love letters, (written after her parents divorced,) to her father from several women - and then some letters written by him, returned when he and the woman parted, (okay an aside here from me: is that not a weird and antiquated custom?  I doubt it happens anymore although there was a time when one saved every relationship memento, and when the relationship failed, returned them all in a churlish act of disdain.  Take that, you bastard.  See how I treasured you.) 

So my friend is telling me highlights from the letters.  She actually read them.  And the replies.  And I’m hooked, although horrified.  What child wants to read parent’s love letters?  Maybe love letters between one’s actual parents - if they’re not too graphic.  Let’s toss out those with a sketch of a studly guy riding a Harley with an accentuated boner.  I don’t want to see that from my father. 

A little back-story, just to get this in perspective.  My friend’s father is from a well-respected, pioneer era family, who’ve done many good works in their lifetimes.  Prominent and privileged with an image to maintain.  I knew him.  So I’m listening and relating while hearing bits and pieces from the letters, when suddenly the sound of “sorry to have shocked you with the remaining 13 months of my prison sentence.” Something to that effect.  Holy smokes, this is just so damn funny.  Huh?  “I’m writing you from prison.”    

Predictably that relationship didn’t succeed.  In the words of the great John Prine, “It’s Christmas in prison, and the foods real good. We got turkey and gravy and guns made of wood.”  Holy smokes. 

Thank you Mom and Dad.  You didn’t leave me with a bunch of embarrassing stuff like love letters from somebody else or sex toys.  This was where I was going with this story.  Sex toys. 

So I’m 20 years old and, let’s face it, fairly naïve.  Okay, perhaps totally naïve.  Give it a chance, I’m gonna tie this all together.

So I’m 20 years old, am friends with two brothers – and their parents, with whom we play marathon games of pinochle.  The boys are helping their parents move and happen across a box of sex toys. 

Sex Toys.  Whew.  They spill their guts to me.  We are so appalled.  I can only speak for me here.  I am appalled because:  1:  They are so old.. Do they really have sex?   Okay, just blur that image…  Ugh.  2:  It’s friggin creative.  Wow.  Do you have to be creative to have sex when you’re that old?  Along with bells and whistles?   

I lost it with the sex toy mode. 

What I’m saying here is that I won’t be leaving love letters for my daughter to find. 
















Comments

young contrarian said…
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-day-you-find-your-parents-dildo-will-be-the-worst-day-of-your-life
Tue May 26, 12:28:00 PM
young contrarian said…
As hyperlinks do not work, just copy-paste that bad-boy into your browser.
Tue May 26, 12:29:00 PM
Stephanie said…
That's a really funny piece. The title alone is good for a laugh. Thanks for your comments.
Tue May 26, 02:00:00 PM
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