The cruelty of passport renewal



Must renew my passport, a task I’ve put off for two years. But gotta do it as I’m meeting my daughter in Barcelona shortly. So I woman up and hit The Shutterbug, a camera shop that shoots passport photos. This is the first time the clerk who’s helping me has done one, giving me an instant feeling of dread. She is shorter than me which results in a shot up my nose making me look like a pinhead with slits for eyes. No neck and my hair just looks like a Cocker Spaniel. All this confidence stealing for a mere $9.99. I’m horrified by the end result.

Glancing at my expired passport once home, I remember thinking that photo made me look maniacal. Amazing the perception change in 12 years… Now I think I looked just fine. Well yeah, younger and thinner, and a little giddy with excitement.

I compared the two photos, then and now, knowledge I’m stuck with the next passport photo for 10 years struck fear to my vanity. Melissa took a look, I noticed she sort of pursed her mouth, trying to suppress a laugh I suspect, but because she is my friend and tactful about sensitive areas like this (not so much on other occasions) said “Well, it’s not that bad. You’re running out of time Tif,” sympathetically. Gee, here I envisioned standing at the customs counter, the agent suspiciously glancing from my face to the passport photo, denied travel because it doesn’t look like me. More likely in hopes I’m denied travel for above cause…

I decide to shoot my own photo, haul all the equipment to the upstairs bath, (the only room with white walls and some semblance of good light,) don my reading glasses so I can actually see the camera timer button, give that a push and rush around to the front of the camera while removing my specs. Click, click, click. I figured out how to operate the timer button while facing the camera in short order and ended up taking many, many, many shots. I promptly rejected the vast majority upon previewing because of closed eyes or some weird thing going on with my mouth. I smile crooked. Hmmm, go figure.

Another hour spent tweaking my feeble results in Photoshop and I’ve got a few semi-reasonable likenesses which I email off for Melissa to review. Her comment:

“Good god, these look like jail mugshots.”

“Yeah, but aren’t they better than The Shutterbug image?”

“Umm, yeah.”

She picked the best two and I spent another hour finding an online site to process the chosen pic. Then I discovered sizing requirements: 2” x 2” overall, face size from 1” to 1-3/8” to appear x inches from top of frame. I flicked it in for the night.

I decide to give it another try but this time I’ll haul out the big guns. I use Preparation H as a moisturizer. Yes, that sounds odd but it’s an instant facelift. Think of the original purpose. Smelly, but effective as a skin tightener, and Moose wanted to lick my face. I apply foundation, half a wand of mascara and fool with my hair. I am not good at applying makeup or fixing my hair. End result not too bad.

I search high and low for the camera manual. No luck. The problem with having three desks is apparent. I trudge back upstairs and begin the process yet again.

Melissa’s comment this time, “Tif, you’ve got to quit taking these pictures.”

The project remains unfinished. Tick tock.



Comments

Catherine said…
Oh my ... cracking up. And you were worried about humor in your writing. On the other hand, I totally feel your pain. Its enough to give me pause about considering international travel. Still, I imagine those agents that stamp your passport have seen far worse.
Sun Nov 13, 10:34:00 PM
Janice said…
This is so funny! When I got to the part about the Preparation H, I was laughing out loud. Oh, my...and the project isn't over yet. Good luck! You will succeed. Just think of the wonderful trip to Barcelona that awaits you.
Mon Nov 14, 12:12:00 PM
Mrs. Tuna said…
Hate my drivers license, love my student ID.
Fri Nov 18, 05:11:00 PM
rebecca said…
haha. I think it is universal that your passport photo is going to look like poo.
Mon Nov 21, 02:26:00 PM
id scanners said…
the thing with passport/id is that every time you show yours to someone, you feel that you need to appolagize about your picture:). "bad hair day..."
Thu Dec 29, 11:04:00 AM
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